Walk of Reflection ...

I took a long walk today.... And just thought... This is wat ran thru my mind....

1) The Path that i walk... The one that I call MY LIFE....

I have always believed this... The reason my life is such or wat it will be, has been, is being is becos of me and me only... NOONE else has a role to play... My life itself yes, is not mine... That was cos of my parents'... But what it has become is all me....
Some might argue... Not true... for example... you could be hit by a car while crossing a road and be paralysed... Then the reason you became paralysed... was the driver of de car and not you... My reply : It was my choice to cross the road at tat very moment... It was my decision... :)) So when i reflect back... The many times I have screamed and shouted... Y did u do this to me.. Y did this have to happen to me... I have to now stand back and say... That happened cos i allowed it to ...

2) Self Recovery...

One thing i have realised now is ... To self recover... you need to self reflect... thru self reflection, you will realise firstly to forgive your self....... self forgiveness is very important... I have realised that i look outside for love... cos i dun love myself enuf... and the reason, i think i dun love myself enuf, is cos i have not forgiven myself... There's so many things that i need to forgive myself for... For being a bad daughter... For allowing ppl to take advantage of me... For not standing up for myself... For letting temptation hit me time and again.. etc... I guess the day when i can totally forgive myself, is the day when I can safely say that i have recovered... and now I LOVE MYSELF... Cos the love others show u.. is temp... Only when u love urself will u fully attain the inner peace... It's not smth u reach thru others' advise or prayers... these are only ways to lead you... But in the end.. it's all abt you... Only u can do it....

Thus my search continues.... The path today is clearer than yesterday... but... it will be clearer tomo... That's the hope i carry !!

Confusions

Life is so full of confusions.... Every thing you need to do.. you need to make a decision... some are easy as shd i brush my teeth now or later.... Some are as difficult as shd i just end it all?? Hmmmmmm.... well life is all abt decisions aren't they?

We all hope to make good decisions but do we all the time?? Hmmm... I have had many ppl asking me... So wat do i do in this situation... If i tell u wat to do... might as well i live your life... I myself am guilty of this... But the final decision is up to me.. I make the call ... I suffer the consequences... But at the end of the day, I wanna say that i LIVED my life w/o regrets... I hate being bound by these so called rules... This is the way you should live... These are the things that make you complete... How de hell does anyone else know what makes me complete... when even i myself dunno...

Life is short... For some very short... I would prefer to live it by my rules... with all it's complications and confusions!!

Random....

Hmmmm. There's this latest "note thingy" goin ard in FB ... the rules goes like dis...
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 20 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 20 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you! Or maybe I just want to annoy the hell out of you.

1) Everytime i go to the beach.. no matter wat condition... I need to get wet...
2) I am very short tempered... Not many ppl know this....
3) I am a spendthrift... Mostly on others...
4) I was with the Navy as a combat spec...
5) I cry easily... Irritating but true...
6) I am a slasher... Hopefully no more :))
7) I have a total of 7 tattoos on my body...
8) I hated my childhood...
9) I have a hami... used to be known as Danny now known as Chloe :))
10)I had to give up my pet dog Joshua to SPCA... One of the saddest moments of my life...
11)When i was young, I wanted to be a lawyer...
12)I was a very rebellious child... Always running away from home... Still a rebel.. Toned down thou...
13)I have a birthmark... :)) One that i dun show :P
14)I am very self conscious ... Really la...
15)I totally value frenship.... Hurts when it is not reciprocated...
16)I am very worried abt my future....
17)I have nvr had a best fren !! :)
18)I hate cockroaches and all creepy crawlies... I can even cry at the sight of them...
19)I love Ava Enna Song... becos of her...
20)I have done some very "bad" things in my teens... :P

Hmmmm.... was tat random enuf??

Long overdue !! :)

All rite... Mr Eshwar reminded me that I have not been really blogging ... So here I am ..

Ok I think goin thru each day is gonna be a bit tiresome... So i am gonna just tok abt stuff that come into my twisted little brain...

It has been a week since my last blog... Let's see what has happened... I have come back to work from leave.. Work from 7 - 9 Jan was tough cos i was away so long and there are so many projects that i need to head... I was called and told that i need to be more firm towards my colleagues and push to get work sorted out and buck up... But How am i to even concentrate on my work when i have to handle so much of other stuff too.. Brought it up and was asked to delegate those tasks out... Ahem... To who ah?? Dunno.. then how?? Haizzz...

On fri nite, Some of us from Braddell Pri Sch had a small gathering... It was fun meeting up with them... And as usual ended up at Chaks :) But this is gonna be (sup) the last clubbing outing for at least the next 2 mths !! hahaha.. we'll seee...

Also over the weekend i headed down to the 1st Singapore Tattoo Show held at Expo... Since my dear Prem and Wesly played me out... I last min manda kaluvuraen Jo to bring me.. hahahaha.. Poor guy didn't see it coming.. But i was not so bad.. I paid the entry charge for him alstho he said no... See i still have a bit of manasaatchi ...
The Show itself was awesome.. altho i wasn't there like for long.. i enjoyed every moment of it.. Jo kept saying i looked like a kid in disneyland.. :)) hehehehe...

On Sunday nite, i got very upset... There were words exchanged bet myself and siva.. I felt that
1) He totally doesn't hv any sort of feelings for me - Ok can handle cos i also dun love him anymore...

2) He insists that i am a bitch and a slut - Hmmm... shd i be upset... I mean many ppl tell me i shd not bother... But I basically know Siv from the age of 15... He practically raised me.. He knows my darkest secrets.. but to use those against me, stuff that i had no power to stop.. makes me wonder abt the guy i slept with, lived with, laughed with and basically lived with for 7 years...

3) he said that i will nvr have a happy life - Hmm.. a curse?? Right!! Ok let's evaluate... I have my kids... you have visitation rights.. I have a proper job.. You are still finding something stable... The only thing you hv above me right now.. Is parental support... But how can i have that when you have poisoned my parents' minds against me?? But to think back.. If my parents' can be poisoned by wat u said.. How much do i mean to them then?? Well my dad is one of those who called me a Slut anyway so....

So i was pretty upset over the above and a bit more the whole of Monday and up till Tuesday aftn... But then realized.. Y shd i be upset over wat he says... So he thinks i can't make it.. then prove that you can... Make him regret the day when he pushed you away !!.. But more than all tat... If i break down, what example am i setting to my very impressionable kids... So i decided.. heck it.. I will live my life... The way i deem fit.. The only ppl i will bother abt will be my kids, sis and some close frens... Cos these ppl care... And so since then, I have been ok.. Been concentrating on work.. Finishing up stuff.. organising... Life's looking good again.. Not gonna say that i will nvr feel down again.. but for now.. I am fine !!

2009

Hmmm... Been some time since i updated my blog... Not to say i have been very busy... more like lazy but hey... I am on leave man...

Ok ... Let's see how the year started out for me.... Didn't feel like clubbing or drinking on th eve as i didn't wanna welcome the new year drunk or out of ctrl in any way... So it was just sup to be and de kids at hm... But my kids, being my kids... slept at 10pm :( And there i was just on the net and watching TV when a old fren called to wish Happy NY.. when he realized i am just alone, he was sweet enuf to say that he will bring me out for a ride before goin out... So there i was at the stroke of MN, cruising SLE at the speed at 180 kmph.... God what a rush... !! Thanks Wesly...

And then on the day of NY, i spend a quiet n relazing day at home... preparing stuff for Ivy's school the next day... And on 2nd... was Ivy's first day at school... My baby is growing up fast .. She adapted to school very fast and easily... I was really proud seeeing how independant she was compared to some kids who were crying and clinging to their parents... WAY TO GO IVY!!

So then we come to the Weekend of NY 3rd of Jan.... This was Rey's B'day party celebs... We had a surprise dinner for Rey at Marina Square's Secret Recipe's... I dunno if Rey was really surprised cos i think Kanzy kinda gave it away by rushing her... But she too no choice la... They came like super late lor... But afte that we headed to Jeanz for a nite of clubbing and followed by Celebrity's... Hmm... the whole nite finished on 4th Jan 2009 at abt 6am... I headed to ECP to meet some frens but ended up getting pissed off with some ppl's attitudes and so headed back home , slept like 2 hours... Went to Premu's place at 2pm... to get tattoo done.. Oh before that.... Sunday (4th Jan 2009) is also the day that Siva moved out to his mom's place.... and brought the kids along to visit his mom... So from practically 1pm till 9pm i was home alone... with my helper of cos... So at 2 went to premu place... did tatt (And the tat is so freaking sweet) came back by 5pm and lazed till kids came back.... Dunno if it was the tatt... or the fact that i felt lonely... that i did not manage to get a proper nite's sleep... haizzzz... shd be getting used to it...

5th Jan 2009... was spent sending Ivy to school.. goin back for her recess... dropping by the office to do my appraisal... meeting Mi at tekka for some shopping and makan (I fulfilled my crave for Mee Goreng) and finally a movie (Yes Man) at Bishan...

6th Jan 2009, which is today has been so far spent... sending ivy to school.. Getting my man / pedi done (back to work tom), picking Ice up from school later and hopefully catching a movie later with Ravi... We'll see how that plan works out..

Till I write again....

P.S: I ahve not smoked for precisely ...5 days, 5 hours, 39 minutes, 53 seconds.. which translates to 68 sticks :))

X'mas and New Year Season!!

Well it’s been a few days… Let me write abt wat’s been happening…

25/12/08 (Christmas)

Had a small “Santa came to our home” celeb with de kids… We wrapped presents the night before, me and my sis, and placed them by the ent of the house. Ivy was the first to get up and started looking ard for the prezzies… But got a bit upset when she thot Santa didn’t come by cos she had not been a good gal…  But later saw the presents by the door.. Then she woke up Phoe and they opened up their presents..


Later in the aftn, I went to visit Mi and also Ket... Very tough moment as X'mas is her fav time.. and i could hold her to wish her "Merry X'mas" Couldn't cry much as Sathish was there too.. Hope she liked watever we gave her..

The in de evening, we (Kids, sis and myself) went to Priya's place for a X'mas cum Brithday bash... Had lotsa fun... Small group thus could really have fun.. :)) Her X'mas tree was very pretty as you can see...




26/12/08 (Boxing Day)

Boxing day was pretty quiet as i was back to work.. In de evening went for a movie, Silambattam with Mi, Kanages and Mi's mom... A very typical movie with a typical storyline... But the songs are nice... After which, we took the train to AMK from which i took a cab back...

27/12/08

Woke up in the late morn.. hung out with kids and at abt 6pm made my way to Mi's place to hang out as her mom wasn't ard... We just chilled and toked nonsense... Also caught Jodi No 1 there as Surya was the special guest.. haizzzz... He looked sooo fine!! haizzz... Then at abt late 9pm.. we headed to no 5 for some martinis, pizza and chicken wings.. Would love to post pics.. but the pics are with Mi and she takes 4ever to upload... :( Mt up with kanages there and left for Chaks at abt 11.30pm... Met my sis at the ent and had a nite not to be forgotten.. Not all good thou.. haizzzz.. But let's not dwell on tat...

28/12/08

Only woke up in the aftn.. But was truly a lazy day at hm.. did nothing but laze with de kids... played games.. computer... dinner and slept again :)) Love days like dis...

Other than the above, which mentions what i did... Today is the 29th of December 2008... 2 more days to year end... One more day to the start of my leave.. Weeeeee can't wait.. When the end of the year comes, everyone toks abt resolutions... wat's the use of making resolutions if you can't keep them?? I am not gonna make resolutions but am gonna attempt to do a few things... These are the stuff i plan to do :

1) Cut down smoking starting 2009 and hopefully quit by Iv's B'day which is on 10th February 2009.

2) Start living a healthier lifestyle... Hmmm... My current lifestyle is a heart attack waiting to happen.. Need to start a exercise routine, something small la... need to watch my alcohol intake and my diet... Need to live for many more years to come...

3) Control temper.. Haizzz the hardest... well i can try....

Kethrine Andrew

My second post to this blog was suppossed to be abt frens... All the frens i have made... But I have changed my mind and wanna tok abt one in particular... Kethrine Andrew... The fren i knew for abt 3-4 years and loved as a sister....

Born on 28 September 1982, my Kethrine Andrew, took her life at the age of 26 years... on 8th November 2008... She was and is a dear fren... A beautiful gal... In and Out... someone who brought a smile to every1 she met.. A smile one can nvr forget... Our very own sunshine...

This post is dedicated to her... I am not gonna tok abt y she did wat she did... but rather the wonderful fren and sister she was to me... Ket was well known for her craziness... The stupid jokes she made... The dumb things she did.... There were so many times when we just playing games at home that she will crack us up with dumb stuff.. Like this one time when we were playing bluff Ket placed 5 aces on the deck when a deck only has 4 aces... Or the times, when she will fight over which chair to sit on... She was full of life, zest and joy... She will nvr be forgotten.. She is our very own guardian angel...

Everyone has a purpose for being on this life... Ket has fulfilled hers... She was here, at least in my opinion, to put a smile on the face of every person she met.... She was called back becos from wat i heard... 26 years ago, the angels up there stopped smiling and on 8th November 2008... They have once again started cos The most beautiful angel ever has rejoined them....