Self Destruct

Wat a title to write on after such a long absence...

But I am gonna write... if not to occupy my time, just to write my thots... Life has been a roller coaster... and i mean it in the wildest sense possible... I have gone thru the worst episodes and the best in a short time... I have made new frens, renewed frenship with some and lost some that i held very close to my heart...

Wat is it abt humans that makes us so vulnerable? We are the stongest yet we are so weak... We can't fly like birds but we build aeroplanes... We can't sprint as fast as cheetahs but we make vehicles with horsepower that leave these animals in the far dust... but we are the same fools who can't deal with emotions... Some of us think we have mastered the art of being cold hearted.. goin forth with no emotions... but we fool ourselves... Which man does not cry, which man does not give to anger, which man does not give in to love, which man does not give to greed?? Answer NOONE....

In this short few months... I have experienced a lot of emotions... But what i have become cos of these, i shudder to think... I thot today, thus i write.... Betrayal... When someone you confided in betrays your trust.. you go thru immense hurt... blaming yourself and others... What one shd do is.. learn from it and move on... I didn't...

I now realise that i stopped believing in ppl... stopped confiding in ppl.. basically i stopped trusting... When i did tat.. I stopped giving ppl a chance to be close to me.. held myself away... it did't show in my physical self.. I was still laughing and smiling.. but was actually nursing a deep desire to be left alone.. to keep a part of myself locked up... locked away from the hurts of the world...

I stopped picking up calls... i stopped accepting invitations to dinner... to movies... i basically stopped socializing... I thot i was doing myself a favour... keeping a low profile... was I? or was i setting myself up for a downfall...

To know how to live your life to the max... U first need to understand how you work... Cos no two ppl work the same way... wat worked for another WILL NOT work for me... I was expecting a miracle cure for all my heartaches.. could i have been more dumb?

I have stopped trusting... Thus i have held ppl away.. Thus i stopped confiding.. and now everything has built up inside of me.. wanting to burst out and i dunno how to... Someone asked me y aren't you opening up and talking to someone... My answer... Y do i wanna give someone the power over me... by knowing my fears and later using them against me? I have possibly lost someone who tried so much to love me... but i hurt him citing 101 reasons.. Not becos i didn't love him but i couldn't trust ....

So i remain today... a ghost of my past.. the vivacious, happy self that i was... You can't change what you were and what you have done.. But you CAN change what you are... But am i willing to? cos the decision must come from me.. and i am nowhere next to answers... Time will tell if i will come out of the rut i hv gotten myself into.. Only time will tell...