Loving Life..

I am starting work at a new place on Monday... The confirmation came thru and so my wish was fulfilled....

My mind is finally clear and I know now that i wanna spend the rest of my remaining life with my kids and him.. :)) Nothing's gonna change that...

I love being in love... And he is the one who makes that happen for me..

I am not easy to love... But he makes it seem so effortless that i begin to think that i do deserve it after all...

I am a Princess in his eyes and that makesme feel like one too...

:))

Siragugal...

I dun have any thots, as i type this post... While my cursor was blinking at the title... I was wondering what to type.. And the first thing at came to my mind was.... Siragugal (Wings).. Y? I dunno... I know i am in love with the song... but i was thinking more of freedom, wings to fly... to soar as i typed the title...

I wanna thank Mr Maddy, who posted a comment in my previous post... Thanks for reading and for the confidence you have in me even thou u dunno me... Appreciate it !!

Hoping for some good news soon... Praying for confirmation for my job ...

Matters of the heart ned to take a back stand for a bit :)

After A While

It has been some time now hasn't it?? I remember when i started this blog, i was so determined to maintain it... to write al my thots down, to preserve them... What happened... Life... I lost track of who I was... being busy trying to be someone else's better half...

Well, that is all gone now... At least I hope it is... It will nvr really be over till I am in my grave... But what to do, I am human still...

So many things have gone rite and wrong in my life... But all that happened, are life's teachings... Teachings that you can be beta.. And i will be...

20th November 2009 - Will never be repeated in my life again... I will not be this vulnerable ever again...

I am not gonna write wat happened... cos it will not be something i will ever forget... My mistakes? Maybe... His? Definitely.. Cos he was the one who said No matter wat happens, i will never leave your side... Never leave you alone...

I am alone now... But not for long... I will be the old Rathika soon enuf... The one who could look you into your eye and tell you to take a hike...

I will be .... Soon.....

Wisdom Tooth

Hahaha... As i typed this subject, i realised how obsessed i have been over my wisdom tooth extraction... Without going into much detail abt the procedure which is, thank god, over... I wanna tok abt smth which struck me during this time...

There are times when you realise certain things in life and it was not a defining moment.. It was a mundane routine thing which cld have triggered it....

One thing this extraction made me realise other than the pain of cos, is the fact that i have a lot of ppl ard me who care for me and give me strength...

Siva, my soon to be ex husband, called me on the morning of the fateful day, albeit his busy schedule, to give me words of encouragement.. to tell me it wl all be ok... Jenny, my FB fren from Aussie, smsed me out of the blue, telling me it will be all ok... My sis did a prayer for me at temple... And the countless no of well wishes....

But the one thing that struck me most.. was my Dad.. For those who dunno abt him, he is a heart patient, underwent bypass 3 times and suffered alot each time... Name a illness and he most likely has had it... But he is a fighter who survived each and every thing the world threw at him... He came to visit me on the second day when i was practically unable to speak... And here i was complaining abt my TOOTH infront of this guy who has seen worse.. practically hell and back... and his reaction surprised me...

He comforted me... Giving me all the reasons y i am strong to go thru this extraction and how even him pulling out 6 TEETH (at one short) could not compare with my pain... And that i wl get thru this... I dunno y but it made me feel sooooo small... Like a child ... Not the strong person i always perceived myself to be... I needed to be comforted... and there was my dad, with all the pain he is going thru, comforting me for a wisom tooth extraction...

Anyone else, might have, just brushed it aside, "Come on, it's a tooth!!! "But not my appa... He still calls me every day to ask if i am feeling beta and if he shd do porridge or smth for me to eat...

Getting comfort from my mom has always been easy... she has always been soft... Anything that happens to her kids is a big deal.. But not my Dad... I am Thankful to have been born to Mr Thangavelu and Mdm Rajeswari ... Who still pamper me at the age of 29 when they think i need it ...

The Day I wanna Erase from the Calendar

The day i wanna erase from the calendar forever is 8th November 2008... Not only becos that day took away my fren from me.. but also becos that day changed so much of things in my life...

Not the day itself.. But i can't help thinking that many things could have been avoided if that fateful day had never happened in my life...

I would have nvr met some ppl... probably never have lost some... And possibly not re-met some... Haizzz.... Of cos the loss hurts most... Cos her loss is something i can't replace... but together with her, i lost something else... i won't call it innocence.... but i dun feel compelled by emotions anymore... Like i dun wan anyone to get too close to me...

sweet nothings

Haha.. as the title says... this is just gonna be a few scribbles of mine... nothing revolutionary.. was feeling a bit out of mind... I have another post planned on Sunday and that is gonna be all abt my birthday from the start to the end...

An incident recently that got me thinking... the growth of my children... and the values that they learn from us...

Children are like sponges.. They practicaly absorb everything they see ppl doin.. esp so their parents.. As such... I am at a obligation to do the right thing ... But the funny thing is.. I dun see it as an obligation when otherwise i wld have... I have not been a person to heed others' advise... Always lived my life as i deemed fit... Not to say i am a rebel but i dun like to conform to society... Which might explain the no of tattoos i have ... althou many ppl advised me aginst it... But somehow.. when my son told me ..." Mummy i think you go thru alot of pain cos of these tattoos... I dun wan you to go thru these pain anymore" it struck a chord... Everyone who told me to stop.. told me "think of the future of your kids, of your future, how ppl are gonna see you... " but noone thot of the pain i was goin thru...

I made the decision to stop tattooing that split second... I dun regret my tattoos... I just dun wanna hurt my son any further by hurting muself..

My kids.... My life... and now my parents.. :))

Self Destruct

Wat a title to write on after such a long absence...

But I am gonna write... if not to occupy my time, just to write my thots... Life has been a roller coaster... and i mean it in the wildest sense possible... I have gone thru the worst episodes and the best in a short time... I have made new frens, renewed frenship with some and lost some that i held very close to my heart...

Wat is it abt humans that makes us so vulnerable? We are the stongest yet we are so weak... We can't fly like birds but we build aeroplanes... We can't sprint as fast as cheetahs but we make vehicles with horsepower that leave these animals in the far dust... but we are the same fools who can't deal with emotions... Some of us think we have mastered the art of being cold hearted.. goin forth with no emotions... but we fool ourselves... Which man does not cry, which man does not give to anger, which man does not give in to love, which man does not give to greed?? Answer NOONE....

In this short few months... I have experienced a lot of emotions... But what i have become cos of these, i shudder to think... I thot today, thus i write.... Betrayal... When someone you confided in betrays your trust.. you go thru immense hurt... blaming yourself and others... What one shd do is.. learn from it and move on... I didn't...

I now realise that i stopped believing in ppl... stopped confiding in ppl.. basically i stopped trusting... When i did tat.. I stopped giving ppl a chance to be close to me.. held myself away... it did't show in my physical self.. I was still laughing and smiling.. but was actually nursing a deep desire to be left alone.. to keep a part of myself locked up... locked away from the hurts of the world...

I stopped picking up calls... i stopped accepting invitations to dinner... to movies... i basically stopped socializing... I thot i was doing myself a favour... keeping a low profile... was I? or was i setting myself up for a downfall...

To know how to live your life to the max... U first need to understand how you work... Cos no two ppl work the same way... wat worked for another WILL NOT work for me... I was expecting a miracle cure for all my heartaches.. could i have been more dumb?

I have stopped trusting... Thus i have held ppl away.. Thus i stopped confiding.. and now everything has built up inside of me.. wanting to burst out and i dunno how to... Someone asked me y aren't you opening up and talking to someone... My answer... Y do i wanna give someone the power over me... by knowing my fears and later using them against me? I have possibly lost someone who tried so much to love me... but i hurt him citing 101 reasons.. Not becos i didn't love him but i couldn't trust ....

So i remain today... a ghost of my past.. the vivacious, happy self that i was... You can't change what you were and what you have done.. But you CAN change what you are... But am i willing to? cos the decision must come from me.. and i am nowhere next to answers... Time will tell if i will come out of the rut i hv gotten myself into.. Only time will tell...

Walk of Reflection ...

I took a long walk today.... And just thought... This is wat ran thru my mind....

1) The Path that i walk... The one that I call MY LIFE....

I have always believed this... The reason my life is such or wat it will be, has been, is being is becos of me and me only... NOONE else has a role to play... My life itself yes, is not mine... That was cos of my parents'... But what it has become is all me....
Some might argue... Not true... for example... you could be hit by a car while crossing a road and be paralysed... Then the reason you became paralysed... was the driver of de car and not you... My reply : It was my choice to cross the road at tat very moment... It was my decision... :)) So when i reflect back... The many times I have screamed and shouted... Y did u do this to me.. Y did this have to happen to me... I have to now stand back and say... That happened cos i allowed it to ...

2) Self Recovery...

One thing i have realised now is ... To self recover... you need to self reflect... thru self reflection, you will realise firstly to forgive your self....... self forgiveness is very important... I have realised that i look outside for love... cos i dun love myself enuf... and the reason, i think i dun love myself enuf, is cos i have not forgiven myself... There's so many things that i need to forgive myself for... For being a bad daughter... For allowing ppl to take advantage of me... For not standing up for myself... For letting temptation hit me time and again.. etc... I guess the day when i can totally forgive myself, is the day when I can safely say that i have recovered... and now I LOVE MYSELF... Cos the love others show u.. is temp... Only when u love urself will u fully attain the inner peace... It's not smth u reach thru others' advise or prayers... these are only ways to lead you... But in the end.. it's all abt you... Only u can do it....

Thus my search continues.... The path today is clearer than yesterday... but... it will be clearer tomo... That's the hope i carry !!

Confusions

Life is so full of confusions.... Every thing you need to do.. you need to make a decision... some are easy as shd i brush my teeth now or later.... Some are as difficult as shd i just end it all?? Hmmmmmm.... well life is all abt decisions aren't they?

We all hope to make good decisions but do we all the time?? Hmmm... I have had many ppl asking me... So wat do i do in this situation... If i tell u wat to do... might as well i live your life... I myself am guilty of this... But the final decision is up to me.. I make the call ... I suffer the consequences... But at the end of the day, I wanna say that i LIVED my life w/o regrets... I hate being bound by these so called rules... This is the way you should live... These are the things that make you complete... How de hell does anyone else know what makes me complete... when even i myself dunno...

Life is short... For some very short... I would prefer to live it by my rules... with all it's complications and confusions!!

Random....

Hmmmm. There's this latest "note thingy" goin ard in FB ... the rules goes like dis...
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 20 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 20 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you! Or maybe I just want to annoy the hell out of you.

1) Everytime i go to the beach.. no matter wat condition... I need to get wet...
2) I am very short tempered... Not many ppl know this....
3) I am a spendthrift... Mostly on others...
4) I was with the Navy as a combat spec...
5) I cry easily... Irritating but true...
6) I am a slasher... Hopefully no more :))
7) I have a total of 7 tattoos on my body...
8) I hated my childhood...
9) I have a hami... used to be known as Danny now known as Chloe :))
10)I had to give up my pet dog Joshua to SPCA... One of the saddest moments of my life...
11)When i was young, I wanted to be a lawyer...
12)I was a very rebellious child... Always running away from home... Still a rebel.. Toned down thou...
13)I have a birthmark... :)) One that i dun show :P
14)I am very self conscious ... Really la...
15)I totally value frenship.... Hurts when it is not reciprocated...
16)I am very worried abt my future....
17)I have nvr had a best fren !! :)
18)I hate cockroaches and all creepy crawlies... I can even cry at the sight of them...
19)I love Ava Enna Song... becos of her...
20)I have done some very "bad" things in my teens... :P

Hmmmm.... was tat random enuf??

Long overdue !! :)

All rite... Mr Eshwar reminded me that I have not been really blogging ... So here I am ..

Ok I think goin thru each day is gonna be a bit tiresome... So i am gonna just tok abt stuff that come into my twisted little brain...

It has been a week since my last blog... Let's see what has happened... I have come back to work from leave.. Work from 7 - 9 Jan was tough cos i was away so long and there are so many projects that i need to head... I was called and told that i need to be more firm towards my colleagues and push to get work sorted out and buck up... But How am i to even concentrate on my work when i have to handle so much of other stuff too.. Brought it up and was asked to delegate those tasks out... Ahem... To who ah?? Dunno.. then how?? Haizzz...

On fri nite, Some of us from Braddell Pri Sch had a small gathering... It was fun meeting up with them... And as usual ended up at Chaks :) But this is gonna be (sup) the last clubbing outing for at least the next 2 mths !! hahaha.. we'll seee...

Also over the weekend i headed down to the 1st Singapore Tattoo Show held at Expo... Since my dear Prem and Wesly played me out... I last min manda kaluvuraen Jo to bring me.. hahahaha.. Poor guy didn't see it coming.. But i was not so bad.. I paid the entry charge for him alstho he said no... See i still have a bit of manasaatchi ...
The Show itself was awesome.. altho i wasn't there like for long.. i enjoyed every moment of it.. Jo kept saying i looked like a kid in disneyland.. :)) hehehehe...

On Sunday nite, i got very upset... There were words exchanged bet myself and siva.. I felt that
1) He totally doesn't hv any sort of feelings for me - Ok can handle cos i also dun love him anymore...

2) He insists that i am a bitch and a slut - Hmmm... shd i be upset... I mean many ppl tell me i shd not bother... But I basically know Siv from the age of 15... He practically raised me.. He knows my darkest secrets.. but to use those against me, stuff that i had no power to stop.. makes me wonder abt the guy i slept with, lived with, laughed with and basically lived with for 7 years...

3) he said that i will nvr have a happy life - Hmm.. a curse?? Right!! Ok let's evaluate... I have my kids... you have visitation rights.. I have a proper job.. You are still finding something stable... The only thing you hv above me right now.. Is parental support... But how can i have that when you have poisoned my parents' minds against me?? But to think back.. If my parents' can be poisoned by wat u said.. How much do i mean to them then?? Well my dad is one of those who called me a Slut anyway so....

So i was pretty upset over the above and a bit more the whole of Monday and up till Tuesday aftn... But then realized.. Y shd i be upset over wat he says... So he thinks i can't make it.. then prove that you can... Make him regret the day when he pushed you away !!.. But more than all tat... If i break down, what example am i setting to my very impressionable kids... So i decided.. heck it.. I will live my life... The way i deem fit.. The only ppl i will bother abt will be my kids, sis and some close frens... Cos these ppl care... And so since then, I have been ok.. Been concentrating on work.. Finishing up stuff.. organising... Life's looking good again.. Not gonna say that i will nvr feel down again.. but for now.. I am fine !!

2009

Hmmm... Been some time since i updated my blog... Not to say i have been very busy... more like lazy but hey... I am on leave man...

Ok ... Let's see how the year started out for me.... Didn't feel like clubbing or drinking on th eve as i didn't wanna welcome the new year drunk or out of ctrl in any way... So it was just sup to be and de kids at hm... But my kids, being my kids... slept at 10pm :( And there i was just on the net and watching TV when a old fren called to wish Happy NY.. when he realized i am just alone, he was sweet enuf to say that he will bring me out for a ride before goin out... So there i was at the stroke of MN, cruising SLE at the speed at 180 kmph.... God what a rush... !! Thanks Wesly...

And then on the day of NY, i spend a quiet n relazing day at home... preparing stuff for Ivy's school the next day... And on 2nd... was Ivy's first day at school... My baby is growing up fast .. She adapted to school very fast and easily... I was really proud seeeing how independant she was compared to some kids who were crying and clinging to their parents... WAY TO GO IVY!!

So then we come to the Weekend of NY 3rd of Jan.... This was Rey's B'day party celebs... We had a surprise dinner for Rey at Marina Square's Secret Recipe's... I dunno if Rey was really surprised cos i think Kanzy kinda gave it away by rushing her... But she too no choice la... They came like super late lor... But afte that we headed to Jeanz for a nite of clubbing and followed by Celebrity's... Hmm... the whole nite finished on 4th Jan 2009 at abt 6am... I headed to ECP to meet some frens but ended up getting pissed off with some ppl's attitudes and so headed back home , slept like 2 hours... Went to Premu's place at 2pm... to get tattoo done.. Oh before that.... Sunday (4th Jan 2009) is also the day that Siva moved out to his mom's place.... and brought the kids along to visit his mom... So from practically 1pm till 9pm i was home alone... with my helper of cos... So at 2 went to premu place... did tatt (And the tat is so freaking sweet) came back by 5pm and lazed till kids came back.... Dunno if it was the tatt... or the fact that i felt lonely... that i did not manage to get a proper nite's sleep... haizzzz... shd be getting used to it...

5th Jan 2009... was spent sending Ivy to school.. goin back for her recess... dropping by the office to do my appraisal... meeting Mi at tekka for some shopping and makan (I fulfilled my crave for Mee Goreng) and finally a movie (Yes Man) at Bishan...

6th Jan 2009, which is today has been so far spent... sending ivy to school.. Getting my man / pedi done (back to work tom), picking Ice up from school later and hopefully catching a movie later with Ravi... We'll see how that plan works out..

Till I write again....

P.S: I ahve not smoked for precisely ...5 days, 5 hours, 39 minutes, 53 seconds.. which translates to 68 sticks :))