Loving Life..

I am starting work at a new place on Monday... The confirmation came thru and so my wish was fulfilled....

My mind is finally clear and I know now that i wanna spend the rest of my remaining life with my kids and him.. :)) Nothing's gonna change that...

I love being in love... And he is the one who makes that happen for me..

I am not easy to love... But he makes it seem so effortless that i begin to think that i do deserve it after all...

I am a Princess in his eyes and that makesme feel like one too...

:))

Siragugal...

I dun have any thots, as i type this post... While my cursor was blinking at the title... I was wondering what to type.. And the first thing at came to my mind was.... Siragugal (Wings).. Y? I dunno... I know i am in love with the song... but i was thinking more of freedom, wings to fly... to soar as i typed the title...

I wanna thank Mr Maddy, who posted a comment in my previous post... Thanks for reading and for the confidence you have in me even thou u dunno me... Appreciate it !!

Hoping for some good news soon... Praying for confirmation for my job ...

Matters of the heart ned to take a back stand for a bit :)

After A While

It has been some time now hasn't it?? I remember when i started this blog, i was so determined to maintain it... to write al my thots down, to preserve them... What happened... Life... I lost track of who I was... being busy trying to be someone else's better half...

Well, that is all gone now... At least I hope it is... It will nvr really be over till I am in my grave... But what to do, I am human still...

So many things have gone rite and wrong in my life... But all that happened, are life's teachings... Teachings that you can be beta.. And i will be...

20th November 2009 - Will never be repeated in my life again... I will not be this vulnerable ever again...

I am not gonna write wat happened... cos it will not be something i will ever forget... My mistakes? Maybe... His? Definitely.. Cos he was the one who said No matter wat happens, i will never leave your side... Never leave you alone...

I am alone now... But not for long... I will be the old Rathika soon enuf... The one who could look you into your eye and tell you to take a hike...

I will be .... Soon.....

Wisdom Tooth

Hahaha... As i typed this subject, i realised how obsessed i have been over my wisdom tooth extraction... Without going into much detail abt the procedure which is, thank god, over... I wanna tok abt smth which struck me during this time...

There are times when you realise certain things in life and it was not a defining moment.. It was a mundane routine thing which cld have triggered it....

One thing this extraction made me realise other than the pain of cos, is the fact that i have a lot of ppl ard me who care for me and give me strength...

Siva, my soon to be ex husband, called me on the morning of the fateful day, albeit his busy schedule, to give me words of encouragement.. to tell me it wl all be ok... Jenny, my FB fren from Aussie, smsed me out of the blue, telling me it will be all ok... My sis did a prayer for me at temple... And the countless no of well wishes....

But the one thing that struck me most.. was my Dad.. For those who dunno abt him, he is a heart patient, underwent bypass 3 times and suffered alot each time... Name a illness and he most likely has had it... But he is a fighter who survived each and every thing the world threw at him... He came to visit me on the second day when i was practically unable to speak... And here i was complaining abt my TOOTH infront of this guy who has seen worse.. practically hell and back... and his reaction surprised me...

He comforted me... Giving me all the reasons y i am strong to go thru this extraction and how even him pulling out 6 TEETH (at one short) could not compare with my pain... And that i wl get thru this... I dunno y but it made me feel sooooo small... Like a child ... Not the strong person i always perceived myself to be... I needed to be comforted... and there was my dad, with all the pain he is going thru, comforting me for a wisom tooth extraction...

Anyone else, might have, just brushed it aside, "Come on, it's a tooth!!! "But not my appa... He still calls me every day to ask if i am feeling beta and if he shd do porridge or smth for me to eat...

Getting comfort from my mom has always been easy... she has always been soft... Anything that happens to her kids is a big deal.. But not my Dad... I am Thankful to have been born to Mr Thangavelu and Mdm Rajeswari ... Who still pamper me at the age of 29 when they think i need it ...

The Day I wanna Erase from the Calendar

The day i wanna erase from the calendar forever is 8th November 2008... Not only becos that day took away my fren from me.. but also becos that day changed so much of things in my life...

Not the day itself.. But i can't help thinking that many things could have been avoided if that fateful day had never happened in my life...

I would have nvr met some ppl... probably never have lost some... And possibly not re-met some... Haizzz.... Of cos the loss hurts most... Cos her loss is something i can't replace... but together with her, i lost something else... i won't call it innocence.... but i dun feel compelled by emotions anymore... Like i dun wan anyone to get too close to me...

sweet nothings

Haha.. as the title says... this is just gonna be a few scribbles of mine... nothing revolutionary.. was feeling a bit out of mind... I have another post planned on Sunday and that is gonna be all abt my birthday from the start to the end...

An incident recently that got me thinking... the growth of my children... and the values that they learn from us...

Children are like sponges.. They practicaly absorb everything they see ppl doin.. esp so their parents.. As such... I am at a obligation to do the right thing ... But the funny thing is.. I dun see it as an obligation when otherwise i wld have... I have not been a person to heed others' advise... Always lived my life as i deemed fit... Not to say i am a rebel but i dun like to conform to society... Which might explain the no of tattoos i have ... althou many ppl advised me aginst it... But somehow.. when my son told me ..." Mummy i think you go thru alot of pain cos of these tattoos... I dun wan you to go thru these pain anymore" it struck a chord... Everyone who told me to stop.. told me "think of the future of your kids, of your future, how ppl are gonna see you... " but noone thot of the pain i was goin thru...

I made the decision to stop tattooing that split second... I dun regret my tattoos... I just dun wanna hurt my son any further by hurting muself..

My kids.... My life... and now my parents.. :))

Self Destruct

Wat a title to write on after such a long absence...

But I am gonna write... if not to occupy my time, just to write my thots... Life has been a roller coaster... and i mean it in the wildest sense possible... I have gone thru the worst episodes and the best in a short time... I have made new frens, renewed frenship with some and lost some that i held very close to my heart...

Wat is it abt humans that makes us so vulnerable? We are the stongest yet we are so weak... We can't fly like birds but we build aeroplanes... We can't sprint as fast as cheetahs but we make vehicles with horsepower that leave these animals in the far dust... but we are the same fools who can't deal with emotions... Some of us think we have mastered the art of being cold hearted.. goin forth with no emotions... but we fool ourselves... Which man does not cry, which man does not give to anger, which man does not give in to love, which man does not give to greed?? Answer NOONE....

In this short few months... I have experienced a lot of emotions... But what i have become cos of these, i shudder to think... I thot today, thus i write.... Betrayal... When someone you confided in betrays your trust.. you go thru immense hurt... blaming yourself and others... What one shd do is.. learn from it and move on... I didn't...

I now realise that i stopped believing in ppl... stopped confiding in ppl.. basically i stopped trusting... When i did tat.. I stopped giving ppl a chance to be close to me.. held myself away... it did't show in my physical self.. I was still laughing and smiling.. but was actually nursing a deep desire to be left alone.. to keep a part of myself locked up... locked away from the hurts of the world...

I stopped picking up calls... i stopped accepting invitations to dinner... to movies... i basically stopped socializing... I thot i was doing myself a favour... keeping a low profile... was I? or was i setting myself up for a downfall...

To know how to live your life to the max... U first need to understand how you work... Cos no two ppl work the same way... wat worked for another WILL NOT work for me... I was expecting a miracle cure for all my heartaches.. could i have been more dumb?

I have stopped trusting... Thus i have held ppl away.. Thus i stopped confiding.. and now everything has built up inside of me.. wanting to burst out and i dunno how to... Someone asked me y aren't you opening up and talking to someone... My answer... Y do i wanna give someone the power over me... by knowing my fears and later using them against me? I have possibly lost someone who tried so much to love me... but i hurt him citing 101 reasons.. Not becos i didn't love him but i couldn't trust ....

So i remain today... a ghost of my past.. the vivacious, happy self that i was... You can't change what you were and what you have done.. But you CAN change what you are... But am i willing to? cos the decision must come from me.. and i am nowhere next to answers... Time will tell if i will come out of the rut i hv gotten myself into.. Only time will tell...